Trust in a relationship means feeling a sense of safety, security, and loyalty with your partner. It’s a flow in your relationship letting you know that the relationship can whether any storm. Trust is a crucial component in any relationship because it allows you to be vulnerable with your partner and also be giving and open. When there’s trust, pretty much any small rift in the relationship can be repaired. It’s like giving your partner “The benefit of the doubt” because you trust that it was a simple mistake and whatever was done was not done with ill will or mal intent. It’s a sense of knowing that your relationship can withstand arguments and disagreements and it won’t lead to a relationship termination. The question is “Can I trust you”?
Trust is built by the daily small tasks of calling when you say you will, bringing home the groceries when it’s asked of you, being loving and affectionate with your partner. Relationship researchers and clinicians John and Julie Gottman identify that successful long term relationships are created through small words, small gestures and small acts over time. These small tasks/gestures allow you to know that “My partner is there for me”. It gives the relationship a sense of ease and a sense of peace.
With true intimacy comes a level of vulnerability and insecurity. It is important to remember that all of us are insecure and we all have preservation instincts and seek safety. It takes courage to take the positive risk of being in a committed relationship. With self-protection is the knowledge that everyone is flawed and makes mistakes. The question is are they willing to make repairs based on their mistakes. Repair leads to trust and safety.
What happens when trust is broken by a detrimental breech? What happens in the case of infidelity and betrayal? Trust is shattered. Below you will find common types of infidelity:
- Physical/Sexual Infidelity – connection outside the relationship, a physical affair with sexual contact
- Emotional Infidelity – confiding in another can be as destructive as a sexual affair
- Cyber Infidelity – social media has provided new platforms where people can meet in cyber space and share their personal lives with each other, opening the door to possible cheating
- Financial Infidelity – deceit about money, how much you have and/or how much you spend
- Micro Cheating – actions that your partner has identified as inappropriate such as flirting even though there is no intention of straying
Treatment for a relationship that has undergone an affair includes psychotherapy with a trained therapist. The trust must be earned back and betrayal needs to be repaired. Ways of earning back trust is to open your world for your partner. This means giving them the passwords to you email account, your phone etc. at least for a while. Relationship clinician Esther Perel refers to cyber cheating as “Cheating by a thousand cuts” because as you dig you can uncover more and experience more injury. It keeps you in the moment where you experience the shock and are traumatized all over again. Learning of an affair produces shock and a type of Post Traumatic Stress that encompasses flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking, nightmares, depression and anxiety. These are best treated by a trained psychologist. It is imperative that the cheating partner know firm consequences were this to happen again.
Next is for the offending party to express true shame and remorse for what they have done. Honesty is crucial if the relationship is to survive. Attunement is important. Attunement is listening to each others feelings and empathizing with what you are each going through. For this to happen you need to be able to put your feelings into words in a way that feels right to you. It’s about not being hidden or invisible. Second is by asking open ended questions. An example is what are the goals we have as a couple for our future? And lastly creating a true sense of empathy and compassion for each other.
For the partner that had the affair answer all process questions such as where did you meet, how did the affair start, etc. It is not recommended to ask about specific sexual acts because that is unproductive and only gives you more images that can come later as flashbacks. As the hurt party, you are already struggling with trying to quiet your own thoughts of betrayal and how could they have done this. One asks oneself “Can I ever trust you again? Can I trust anyone?” It shakes your sense of self. You go from “We-dom to I-dom”. You struggle with identifying the couples core beliefs and your own personal core beliefs and values as you face the challenge of deciding whether to stay in the relationship or not. Be gentle with yourself during this painful process.
It is imperative for the hurt party to surround themselves with loved ones that are understanding and to also do as much self-care as possible. This includes lighting candles to enjoy the scent, wash your hair with your favorite scented shampoo, go for a mani-pedi or a massage, go to the gym, go for a walk. Working out is a great way to release anger, sadness, and stress.
After, is the task of creating a sense of shared meaning again. It’s an opportunity to know each other better, have learned from the mistakes of the past and have the ability to make a conscious decision to move forward in this relationship. It takes hard work to heal from an affair. I tell my couples that their first marriage (pre-affair) is over and they are creating a second marriage with more self-awareness, greater insight into each other’s motivations and psyche, and a greater sense of security in oneself.
If you are experiencing distress over suspicions or have confirmed an affair, you are not alone. We at the Miami Psychology Group have trained psychologists to help you through this difficult process.