A separation or divorce is never an easy process for families especially when children are involved. Once custody and visitation schedules are set, it is important for parents to maintain a parenting relationship even though their romantic relationship has ended. Many individuals question how could they possibly communicate with an ex that may have caused them grief, hurt, or frustration. The separation or divorce process may be tense due to financial planning and other stressors; however, the children cannot be ignored. The most difficult part of a separation is often the fact that parents may have to put their differences aside in order to effectively meet their children’s needs. This is when parents learn about the importance of coparenting.
Coparenting involves sharing duties and maintaining various aspects of parenting once parents are separated. Coparenting increases the likelihood that children will maintain a close relationship with each parent, while it also ensures that each child’s needs are met. Research has shown that if parents are able to put their relationship issues aside and show their children that they have an amicable parenting relationship, then the risk of emotional difficulties, such as anxiety and depression, is significantly decreased. However, for parents, effective co-parenting can be difficult and frustrating due to built up resentment, lack of trust, and dislike for the other person. In order to prevent children from feeling that their parents’ conflict is more important than them, disagreements and conflict need to be handled in a private setting where children are not present. It is recommended for parents to communicate through email, text messages, or parenting applications if verbal conversations tend to quickly escalate. When frustrated or angry with an ex, it may be easy to speak negatively about she or he in front of the children. It is also common for the wealthier parent to use money as a manipulation tactic to either bring the children closer to them or use their financial control to upset their ex. Using money to win their children’s attention, such as spoiling with gifts, causes the children to take sides or feel caught in the middle of conflict. This will likely increase acting out behaviors, defiance, and impact the children’s academic performance. Additionally, parents need to avoid wanting to be the better parent and should want to built a strong parental team with their ex, placing their children’s development and needs as a priority.
Secondly, agreeing on a consistent schedule, discipline methods, extracurricular activities, and academic expectations is crucial to prevent future disagreements. Research also shows that parents who are able to model appropriate and effective problem solving together, help their children become better communicators and problem solvers. Being able to maintain as much consistency as possible is important, as consistency helps children understand what to expect and increases their sense of stability. Many children begin to act out when their schedules are not consistent primarily due to confusion around who is picking them up from school, which home they will spend the weekend in, and when will they see the other parent again. When parents show their children that they are communicating about the children’s well-being and other aspects of their lives, the children start feeling like a priority again and view their parents as team members rather than enemies. Eventually significant others may be introduced into the children’s lives, which is often a point of contention for divorced or separated parents. In order to decrease tension, new partners should only be introduced to the children if the relationship is serious and stable. It is also recommended the parent speaks to their ex about the initial introduction as a courtesy to the other parent.
Given that effective coparenting may be the best outcome for separated or divorced parents, there are situations where coparenting may not be possible. For example, if issues such as child abuse, domestic violence, or substance abuse are present in a parent, coparenting may not be recommended. These issues must be assessed at the time of custody or visitation planning and formally addressed in a parenting plan.
Coparenting duties aren’t always shared between parents. It is also possible to have grandparents and other close relatives / friends to help. Charlize Theron credits her mother as a coparent for her children.
Coparenting can often become a difficult task and many parents may seek family therapy services in order to increase their ability to communicate and increase consistency in their homes. Contact the Miami Psychology Group if you are interested in learning more about the therapy services that are offered by our licensed psychologists. We provide therapy services in Miami and Miami Beach areas.