Have you ever felt frustrated at not getting your point across? This tends to escalate the conversation and it can turn into an argument where neither party feels understood. When you feel “attacked”, your defense mechanism kicks in and you are no longer able to fully listen and understand what is being said. You then become flooded (hyperarousal) and require at least 20 minutes to disengage from the argument, engage in deep breathing exercises or go for a walk. Ideally the activity should be something that you find soothing. This gives you the time to settle your hyperarousal and are then able to go back with a clearer understanding of the salient issues and a better idea on how to get your point across.
This exercise takes a minimum of 20 minutes according to relevant research. Don’t be surprised if it takes longer. If you feel you are not able to reach a state where you can discuss things in a productive manner, ask the other person for a place and time to talk about the issue again. This way you can cognitively prepare while keeping in mind that productive conversation is the goal, even if the outcome is to agree to disagree.
There are many strategies that can be used to improve communication this being one of them. We at the Miami Psychology Group are specialized in these techniques and can help you improve your communication and by doing so decrease the frequency of arguments and increase the feeling of being heard and understood. You are not alone. The Miami Psychology Group is here to help.